Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Moving On After He Moves Out

Just as I thought that I was making progress, my world comes crashing down again. Two weeks ago, I was made aware that my ex was indeed having an affair. Everything I said in my last post was thrown out the window. I fell back into a deep depression, I refused to eat, I would constantly send angry messages to my ex and was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Recovering from a break up is bad enough, but to find out that theres another woman just makes matters worse. I decided that it was time to make my WHOLE family aware of the situation. So despite my mother being on the other side of the world on vacation, I called her up and told her the news. I held back from telling her because I was afraid of her reaction, but to my relief, she remained very supportive and comforting. I guess it's true that no matter what, at the end of the day, you can always count on your family. Upon her arrival home, my mom handed me a book that my aunt wanted me to have, its called "Moving On After He Moves Out". This book is God sent. It was hard to read because I felt like I was reliving the nightmare, but it opened up my eyes to several things. There are tidbits from this book that I would like to share with you all, I hope that somehow the following will help you find yourself again...
(1) Facing the abandonment
For many months, the abandonment will replay in your mind over and over again. Even when you think that your making progress and finally moving forward, there will always be something that will remind you of the situation. Again, a wave of emotions will hit you. The anger, the sadness, the loneliness and etc. Understand that it is perfectly normal. However, don't allow yourself to dwell on "what should be" or "what could be", instead think of "what is". As harsh as it may be, remind yourself of the fact that your husband left you behind and that it's time to pick up the pieces. Pray, and commit all that your feeling and thinking to God. Everytime you bravely face abandonment, you are empowering yourself.
(2) Being assertive and realistic
Do not allow the situation to drown you in the "victim mentality". Everytime you feel that you are doing so, ask yourself, "How long will I allow this to go on? How long will I allow him to victimize me? Manipulate me with his betrayal? Will I allow this man to destroy me and my family?" Then tell yourself, "Enough is enough! I will no longer allow him to take over my life! I refuse to be a victim!" It is time to be assertive, to finally take control of your life and realize that despite everything, you are a worthwhile person! Being realistic means that you should keep in mind that change is gradual, it happens over time. You don't just wake up one day and expect everything to be ok. You will have setbacks, after all, you're an imperfect being. But don't beat yourself up over it, know that although you may stumble you always move ahead a little farther then yesterday.
(3) Choose your friends wisely
The people you surround yourself during this tough situation can either help build yourself up or drive you deeper into your problems. Avoid people who tell you to toughen up and not be bitter. These people are unreal and wouldn't be saying that if they were in your situation. You should also avoid spiritually superficial people and people who tend to take sides. Be around friends who you know are sincere and don't pretend that abandonment isn't a big deal. Be with people who allow you to cry and release your feelings but who will keep you focused on figuring out why this happened, the possibilities of the marriage being restored and if all else fails, the practical steps to be taken to recover from such a horrible situation.
(4) Physical Recovery
I'm sure that plenty of you can relate to this. During the first week after the break-up, you refuse to eat or eat too much, you put on a brave face when the kids are around only to break down behind closed doors. You lack sleep. You don't care about your appearance so much that you can walk around the house all day in your pajamas that are inside out. Tell me, are you guilty of this or what? No shame in saying yes, because I can assure you that I went through this myself. It was a horrible horrible week, a week that I never want to relive again. The break- up not only hurt us psycholically but it also took a swing at our physical body and immune system, so it is very important that we work on our physical recovery.
It is imperative that we take a good 30 minutes everyday to exercise! Exercise changes the chemical make- up of your brain enabling you to handle stress better while improving your health and self- confidence. Remember that your not only exercising to look good, but because you want to stay healthy and be able to keep up wtih your growing kids. Along with exercise comes a healthy diet. You don't have to go on a crazy fad diet or deprive yourself of the foods you want to eat, in fact, you can eat whatever you want! But be reminded of portion control and balancing out the things you eat. It'd be best if you stock up on fruits, vegetables and complex carbohydrates ( breads, potatos, rice and etc). And feel free to indulge in an occasional steak or two!
Another important factor to physical recovery is sleep. Your body has gone through alot and needs to recover. Listen to your body and don't hesitate to take a nap or two if you feel like it. It's very important that you get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. If it helps, you may drink a glass of warm milk and talk to God for a while beofre going to bed. Committing the day and all your worries and thoughts to Him allows you a peaceful and well- deserved night of sleep.
(5) Developing new skills
Now that hes gone, all the household chores that you husband used to do has now been dumped onto your lap. Don't panic! Your husband wasn't some genius that could do the impossible, he simply learned a thing or two about maintenance. If he can do it, trust me, so can you. Every time you learn a new skill, particularly something that used to be your husband's domain- you'll find yourself feeling more empowered and wondering what else you can do! So go ahead! Take a risk doing the things that you thought you'd never be able to do. You just might surprise yourself.
(6) Let people help you
Although I told you not to take on the "victim mentality", neither should you take on the "superwoman mentality". You can't do everything on your own, being a single mother isn't easy so don't be hesitant to accept when people offer you help. If your friends, family or other other groups of people offer you help, be specific with your needs and be reasonable. Keep in mind that these people are reaching out to you out of the goodness of their heart so you must be careful not to exploit them.
(7) Allow God to take over your life
I won't pretend that I wasn't mad with God for a while. I didn't understand why he was tearing my family apart, nor why me and my ex couldn't work things through. It took me scripture after scripture before I realized that God indeed had a plan for my life. Some thing that I wouldn't understand because His plan was too great for me to fathom. So I did the only thing I could think of doing, I prayed and offered myself and my kids to Him. I committed all my problems to Him and prayed that everything would work out according to His plan and that He would continue to give me strength throughout this whole ordeal. I realized that things would get harder before they got better so I felt blessed when I came upon this passage:
For the Lord says, "Because she loves me, I will rescue her; I will make her great because she trusts in my name. When she calls on me I will answer; I will be with her in trouble, and rescue her and honor her. I will satisfy her with a full life and give her my salvation." (Ps 91:14- 16, adapted).
I've printed out this passage and taped it onto several places all over the house so that I am constantly reminded of God's promise. It'd help that you do the same for yourself too. I suggest that you keep a copy in your car and in your purse. Hopefully, you learn a thing or two from the above. Feel free to message me and ask questions, the book is well written so I'd be glad to type down stuff in accordance to answering your questions. God bless :)


  1. Indeed, I will pray and I will direct others to pray for your family. Thank you for giving me the priviledge to storm the heavens on your behalf.
    Blessings, andrea

  2. Sweet one, just came over from Arise 2 write! I don't always understand what happens in life, but I can walk with you to the One who does. Praying for you this morning from Costa Rica.

    May you be drenched in His love,
    Sarah Dawn

  3. Andrea from Arise2Write asked me to visit and pray for you. I came over to tell you that I'm praying for you now. I'm sorry you are hurting and I pray GOD's comfort and divine intervention be seen in all areas.

    God bless you.

  4. A blog friend Andrea posted a prayer request for you, and here I am visiting your site to find out more. Yes, I will lift you up to our loving heavenly Father. May He fill your heart with peace and comfort.


  5. Reese,

    Andrea at Arise2Write mentioned your prayer request over at my blog, Glass House Ministries. I want you to know that my husband Wayne and I are praying for you. I have not had a husband leave me, but my husband has had a wife leave him for another man, so I've seen the pain firsthand. I too have been left by a man for another woman, just he was not my husband. And our oldest son left our family in anger at us over the divorce between his dad and his mom; many of the feelings and scenarios you describe in your post apply to rejection and abandonment in that situation too. Know that we are praying and hurting for you. Please drop by Glass House and join us, if you like.

    Blessings and prayers,
    Cheri and Wayne

  6. I read this with tears in my eyes, as I went through it 30 some years ago...and yes, the hurt could still be there if I thought about it. I don't!!! I have been happily married now for 32 years. God will see you through this, BUT, you have to forgive and go on, Reese.
    Praying that His peace permeates every fiber of your being!!
    "sister" hugs,

  7. Andrea at Arise2Write asked for prayers for you and to visit your blog. I feel for you and am holding you up in prayer. We serve an amazing God and if He can free me from the stuff He did, He can do anything. I believe He will turn things around for your highest good. Sarah

  8. Dear Reese,

    Sarah Dawn is so sweet. She is right; God knows about your heartache and desires to draw you close to Himself.

    I have a sister how was devastated by her husband leaving her and their 5 children for another younger woman. But it is amazing how God has helped her through it and has made her into a much more beautiful woman because of her trials. She is a daily encouragement to me because of her trust in the Lord. She has faithfully prayed for her husband’s repentance…he had been a strong Christian at one time.

    God is AWESOME! Your trials are more precious than gold to Him.

    1 Peter 1:7
    That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

    I am praying for you.


  9. Know that you are being held in prayer throughout your journey.

    Blessings as you go.

  10. Reese,

    I am a survivor of your story and I too, found out the hard way. Everything you described above in your blog are things I have experienced and dealt with not only once but for almost a year.

    I share a child with my ex who married said woman he had an affair with. To this day, he will deny he really had an affair, but I know the truth. This man made a mockery of my relationship with God because we were "Christians" at the time this all came crashing down.

    I held my faith, although it was hard, and it was the darkest time of my life. I contemplated all kinds of things one shouldn't to make the pain go away.

    Then one day, I realized how much I was hurting and how little he was. Why was I the one in pain and not him. He deserved all of this!

    However, God brought me to this lowest point but never left me, He stood with me in the darkest and most depressing times, and lifted me up when it was time.

    I can honestly say it took a little more than a year, to where I can look back and not have anger, or sadness or any feeling but pity for him.

    Since we share a child together I had to endure things I didn't want to, like seeing them together, seeing them happy while I suffered, on my own.

    Yet God sent along angels disguised as friends that kept me busy. Oh how I can recommend staying busy, whether with church, volunteering, or work, just find time to fill your day.

    It will take you out of your pity party of one, and at least allow you to leave the table.

    Realize, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Don't believe the lie, that you are, you are NOT!

    People are here for you, people who care, people that will pray for healing and for people that can honestly say, I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

    Please email me off line at my link on my profile, I am here honestly if you want to talk, chat, vent, or just have a good old fashioned cry.

    It does get easier, I promise you, you will get to the point where you can look back and see just how far you came to get out of that valley and stand on the mountain top and smile again!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  11. Andrea's notice of your need of prayer sent me to you and as I read your post. I prayed that God would comfort you and minister His unconditional love and acceptance towards you. His plan and purpose for you will be brought to fruition.
    God Bless,

  12. Came here from Arise 2 Write to let you know that I am standing in prayers with you and these awesome sisters in Christ, especially sister Andrea I had known for a long time now, since I first started blogging over a year ago. We may not know each other in person but prayers do work because we have an awesome God Who is always there by our side. May the Lord comfort you at this difficult time. I also pray for your protection, strength, wisdom from Him and His faithful love. Will keep you in our prayers sister Reese. God bless.
    I felt your pain knowing that my own sis-in-law went through that same trial, and it even hurts me more because the person who hurt her was my own brother and Christian, too. But all I can tell you is that the Lord does turn everything into good for those who love Him.

  13. I pray God will comfort you and give you strength for each day. He is faithful in the good and bad times. You have many praying for you.

    Blessings will be yours,

  14. I have no good marriage advice, but I do have some parenting advice, from the experience of being a child of matter how much you hurt, no matter how betrayed you feel, no matter how wronged you truly are, please, please, please don't bad-mouth your children's father. No matter what he's done to you and the family unit, they are half him and it is devastating to understand that half of what you are is despised by your mother. Both my brother and I went through this and I tell you, the scars run deep. You have the power to determine how this will be for your children and I beg you find the strength to do it.

    I pray you will come out of this a woman you will continue to be proud of. In the end, that is how you triumph over betrayal.

  15. Although I have not personally gone through this, those I love very much have. Love, hugs and prayers to you. I believe you will find strong support here in the blogosphere, don't be afraid to be real---in person and online.

    There is a social network on Ning called Christian Women Take They have groups for everything that a woman could experience. I encourage you to check the site out, and the groups. I know those ladies would love on you big time.

    You are amazing, awesome and God is just crazy in love with you.


  16. Reese, I'm so sorry for what you're going through I'm glad you are leaning on the Lord and your family. Posting Bible verses around the house and in your car or carrying them in your purse really does help. I did this when I was going through a bad bout of depression several years ago. The verses calmed me down.

    Praying for you and your children!

    Blessings & Hugs, Leslie

  17. I'm praying that God will fill the void you must feel. Praying for you. Luanne

  18. Andrea from Arise2Write sent me over. Reese, I'm praying for you, your family and your husband.

    There is hope. You can be set free from the bondage of anger, contempt and unforgiveness.

    He can make all things new inside you. Then and only then will you be able to handle the externals.

    You are loved and of great worth. The Lord loves you more than you could possibly ever imagine.

    I'd be honored to become a new blog friend and walk alongside you through this difficult time.

    He holds you in the palm of His hand. Trust and rest in Him.

  19. Reese,

    I came from Andrea's blog. I beg of you to take time to visit my friend Heather Kay at beauty for Ashes. She has lived, survived and gained Victory in a marriage that plagued by an affair. I know she can help you find comfort.


    her link is

  20. Hi, Reese, I just came over from Arise to Write. She asked us to pray for you. I see you're going through a seperation or divorce, but it looks like you are in good hands. I will pray for you.

    I too experienced divorce and other women was only part of it. I actually didn't believe there were any. There was quite a mess in our relationship. I was emotionally abused and had such low self esteem when we got divorced I was glad to have a soft place to land.

    My new Christian friends and my dear family just held me up. I had recently became a Christian which pushed my previous husband over the edge.

    Anyway, I'll just lift you up and you keep your eyes on the Lord and the book you read seems like it had a lot of good advice. You're going to overcome and be the survivor here.

    Take care and come and see me some time,
    Nannette from Life:be-in-it